


Limits

by Andyoudidthisforwhat



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst, Anxiety, Bullied Spencer Reid, Bullying, Criminal minds angst, Depression, Gen, Hurt Spencer Reid, Insecure Spencer Reid, Sad Reid makes me sad but angst is fun to write, Sad Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid has feelings, Suicidal Thoughts, Young Spencer Reid, bad childhood, my baby went through a lot as a kid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25585882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andyoudidthisforwhat/pseuds/Andyoudidthisforwhat
Summary: The life of twelve year old genius, Spencer Reid, wasn’t exactly what one would call ‘easy’ and everyone has a limit to how much they can take. (Focuses on Reid’s mental health during high school and takes place after the goal-post incident.)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 58





	Limits

**Author's Note:**

> (This was originally posted on fanfiction.net but I am now posting it here as well.) 
> 
> Hey guys. Inspo for this was the scene in Zugzwang when Reid talks about the blindfold incident and it of course was similar to the goal post incident. It made his story so much sadder when I realized that kind of thing happened more than once. So that made me crave a really angsty story. Also I have like 20 other ideas but idk if I'll ever get to them bc it takes me so long to even write just one, like I'm surprised I even finished this. Anyways, enjoy this pure angst.
> 
> TW: contains mentions of bullying, anxiety attacks, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Please do not read if this is a sensitive subject for you. If you ever feel like this, PLEASE reach out to someone and get help.

_2:02 am_

_Why?_

He simply just wanted to know _why_?

' _Why, what?_ ' You might be wondering. Well, there's a multitude of questions running through Spencer Reid's head that began with the word ' _why_ '.

_Why couldn't I have been normal?_

Twelve. He was twelve years old but had a higher intelligence than majority of the adults in the entirety of Las Vegas. A pure genius, a rarity. The type of genius you only hear stories about and don't believe you'll ever meet yourself. An IQ of 187, an eidetic memory, reads 20,000 words per minute for god sake. An infinite amount of knowledge packed into a child's body. Most people would die to have what they call his 'gift'. Everyday Spencer starts to believe more and more that it's rather a curse. Being a child prodigy meant he got to skip grade levels, he was advanced to high school. High school can be considered as a living hell for any teenager, but for Spencer it wasn't an exaggeration considering he started at nine. Though he would debate that his life as a whole, was a living hell.

It hadn't been but a couple of hours ago. He was safe now of course, setting in his bed with his legs hugged tightly to his chest. His head rested on his knees as he sobbed silently, his tiny body trembling with every breath he took. There was deep pain in his chest from the emotional distress and it was accompanied by the soreness of his stomach from where he'd been repeatedly kicked.

_Why do they enjoy doing this to me? Why can't they just leave me be?_

This wasn't the first time, no no no. Though that incident was absolutely brutal, this time was worse. He wishes he could forget both of course, but he was cursed in that every slight detail of both incidents will forever be burned into his memory. It wasn't as if he wasn't bullied on a daily basis, because he most certainly was. He was pushed around, beaten up, made fun of, and shunned every day of his life but these moments were more than just bullying.

The first time it was his crush who had lured him into the trap. Yes, his crush, every young boy has one and this small genius was no exception. He'd thought she was beautiful for sometime but had been too shy to ever talk to her. So when she approached him, of course it was going to fill him with excitement. He had been beaming with joy but it was quickly drained from him. How could he have been so naive? How could he have complied to letting her blindfold him, not questioning the shadiness of it at all? He can still feel the way she ripped off his shirt. He can still hear the laughter and taunts that filled the gymnasium.

_Why do they hate me so much? Why can't I be likable?_

That's when he started feeling ashamed of his body, he wasn't exactly confident about it beforehand but after, he became thousand times more self conscious. After being insulted about it by the entire senior class, how could he not feel that way? That was just one more to add to the list of things his peers made him feel insecure about. Spencer truly had little to no confidence left because of the endless ridicule from peers and adults alike. He didn't blame them. When ever he took a moment to evaluate himself, he knew they were right, he could see his endless amount of flaws. Spencer couldn't bring himself to be mad at anyone for hating him, it was hypocritical because he hates himself too.

The one semi-good thing he had was his intelligence but how smart could he really be to let this happen a second time? He should've known better when he was told Alexa Libson wanted to meet him. She was popular, gorgeous, filthy rich, a star female athlete. Why in God's name would she ever wanna meet someone like him somewhere? He couldn't help but let his mind wonder and imagine that she'd actually like him. Not in a romantic way, he knew six years was too much of an age gap. But maybe she'd be nice to him, maybe they'd be friends. So of course yesterday afternoon, he happily walked to the football field, eager to meet with her, excited that someone had took an interest in him. It would be nice, you know, to have a friend. A mere acquaintance even. Just someone to treat him like a _human being_.

When he turned around the corner of that field house, his fantasy of friendship disappeared. Alexa did show but behind her stood the football team as well as many other kids. Before he even knew it, the small kid was being beaten by multiple boys much older and larger than him. Punches went towards his face, arms, basically where ever they could get him. When he ended up on the ground, they just started kicking and didn't stop until another boy came over with rope in his hands. They held him down and began to tear his clothes off. He screamed in agony, desperately begging them to stop. Begging for one of the bystanders to help him. He was then fully naked as they manhandled him, pushing him up against a goal post and binding him to it with the rope. The laughter of the crowd was drowning out his cries. Not a soul a cared to put an end to it. His suffering was pure entertainment for every kid there. They loved it.

They degraded and mocked him for a good fifteen minutes after they'd tied him up. Insult after insult was fired at Spencer until they eventually they got bored and left him there. A child, all alone at night, tied up out in the open, and naked. He had pleaded for them to not leave him but it did no good. The poor kid had to set there for hours in misery. He sobbed at the beginning. He ended up crying so hard that he was hyperventilating and quivering so badly that he couldn't control himself. Anxiety attack. A bad one. He got them occasionally, so it's not something he hadn't experienced before. And after enduring that kind of abuse, it's not surprising one came on.

He eventually calmed down. His mind was still racing with horrible thoughts. His fear that a child predator would stumble across him while he's there as a perfect bait. Spencer knew the odds for that were unlikely but yet he was still afraid. And what about his mom? She must be worried that something has happened? What if he was left here till morning? He didn't want to have to suffer the humiliation and shame of his teachers, parents dropping off their kids, and the entire student body seeing him completely naked. His bullies' words kept repeating through his head. Over and over and over again. As did many feelings of anger, hurt, and self-hatred. He stopped those thoughts though. He needed to keep himself sane. He needed to distract his mind from all the bad. He replayed each word of the last book he read, in his head. He counted by prime numbers till he got tired of it. He made up equations to solve in his head. He kept his mind occupied until the rope began to irritate his skin and make him itch. That's when it occurred to him that he hadn't even attempted to free himself. He felt silly because he gave up before even trying. He could surely figure out some way to get loose, right?

He did, of course he did, with that brain there's not much he couldn't figure out. He collected his clothes that were scattered across the football field from where the older boys had thrown them. He was just thankful he could go home, he could forget this even happened, brush it off like he has to do with everything else. Spencer didn't know what time it was but he was hoping it wasn't too late so that he could spend some time with his mother. God knows he really needed her. Not even so he could cry to her about what happened. He wasn't going to tell her what had went on that night, oh no, he'd never want to worry her. He just needed her presence, just a little affection would be enough for him.

When he finally made it home though, his already horrid night was made worse. His hopes of obtaining some motherly love were crushed. She hadn't even realized he was missing. It wasn't her fault. She's sick. She was having one of her spells, a bad one. It always hurt him to see her like that. _Why does she have to suffer?_ He always wondered, angry at the universe for giving her such a horrible disorder. It truly hurt him, but it also hurt that she didn't even notice her own son was gone. He tried to shake those thoughts from his head. It's not something she could help. It's wasn't her fault. He knew that but it still managed to hurt. It still left him feeling as if there's nobody that cares about him. That feeling was like a thousand pounds weighing him down. It was getting harder and harder to bare.

_Why did he have to leave us?_

Spencer usually pushed the thoughts of his father to the furthest corner of his mind. They were always much too painful. In that moment though, he couldn't. He was so angry at him for leaving his mother, knowing that she can't take care of herself. If his father would have stayed then she would get better. But if it wasn't for him, dad would've stayed, if he was normal, if he wasn't such a freak of nature. If he was a good son, the son his father had wished for instead of an abomination for a child. He couldn't help but miss his father. He missed the days when they'd play together and his dad would teach him things. He missed what he thought was love. He must've thought wrong, because if he abandoned him, he surely never loved him. Spencer always blames himself for driving him away. All of the horrible insults he's heard and self doubt he's collected over the years is all confirmed by how his own father doesn't even want him.

He tried to get rid of those thoughts. They were irrational. It's not possible that every single person hates him. It might be difficult to find people who like him but there has to be at least one person who does. Yeah, if he looks at it from a mathematical and scientific stand point, it's statistically impossible that every single person he encounters hates him. It's actually probable that there's people who like him. It just doesn't feel like there is. Every glimmer of positivity that comes through Spencer's mind is drowned out by darkness. He always ends up thinking about how utterly miserable he is.

_Why can't I ever just be happy?_

He never can catch a break, the universe must despise him. He's already down and yet he still gets kicked. It feels like he never stops getting kicked. Sometimes he thinks maybe he deserves it though, maybe he deserves since he's such a burden to everyone around him. Then again, it's not his fault. He didn't chose who got to be when he was born. He can't help that he's weird and annoying, awkward and eccentric, scrawny and ugly. It's not like he wanted to be this way. He'd give anything to change himself, to be normal, to be like everyone else. Maybe then he wouldn't be so alone.

As he sat on his bed, his mind was plagued with dark thoughts till it became nearly empty. He didn't have it in him to keep questioning why. He'd never get the answers. All he knew is that he wanted it to stop. He couldn't take the pain anymore. So that desire of ending the pain, left him there at 2:34am, setting alone with his absolute darkest thoughts. Contemplating wether or not he should actually end it, trying to convince himself that he should. It's not the first time it's crossed his mind. It does often. It's not the first time he's felt serious about it either. It's just that he has a limit, tonight it was pushed. He can only take so much and tonight was a damn good reason to finally go through with it.

Spencer knew he was young. Twelve years old is an incredibly young age to do such a thing. Yet he was always doing things he was much too young for so why should this be an exception. What would it matter anyways? It's not like he'd be missed. He's useless other than his intelligence and even that doesn't have much of a purpose. It's not like his smarts are really that much of a blessing to the world. Things would go on just the same if he were gone and he would finally have peace. He didn't care if he would be just another statistic. Being a statistic wasn't a bad thing, matter of fact, since he loves them so much it's kind of a good thing. All of his life he's heard "suicide is never the answer", but to him that couldn't be more wrong.

He swung his legs overs the side of his bed, he winced as he went to stand up from where he was still sore from being kicked. He left his room to head into the kitchen. Spencer wanted to do it. He really did. He was ready. He didn't see a purpose in continuing. He was alone. He'll always be alone, no one will ever care, no one will ever want him. He was an absolute monstrosity, an poor excuse for a human being. If he doesn't stop it now, he's just going to continue to be ridiculed and tortured for the rest of his life.

He concluded that sleeping pills would be his best option. He calculated how many he'd need based on how many milligrams each was compared with his size to make sure he was successful. So he brought the bottle and a glass of water from the kitchen back to his bedroom.

He pulled out a piece of paper and a pen from his backpack. He simply wrote:

_I love you more than anything, mom. - Spencer_

He didn't need to complicate it more than that. He just wanted her to know. The boy picked up the bottle of pills and counted out eleven to place in his palm. He started to bring them to his mouth but his shaky hand was unable to rise.

He was scared. Yes, scared of death, despite so desperately wanting it. Spencer was a child. He might be mature for his age, he might be a genius but he's still simply just a little kid. A little kid who was forced to grow up too soon. A little kid who's still scared of the dark and scared of talking to new people. Of course he's going to be afraid of death, he's just a little boy. He scolded himself for being such a coward, a wuss. He looked at the pills in his palm deeply. It wouldn't be so bad right? He brought them up to his lips but couldn't bring himself to open them. A couple of tears started to fall down his cheeks.

His mom. He couldn't leave her. He couldn't let her be alone with nobody to take care of her. He can't let her be the one to find him. That would destroy her. It would wreck the what little she has left of her mental health. He couldn't be that selfish. He dropped the small capsules back into the bottle and brought himself to the floor crying. His face was buried in his hands as he broke down. He laid there in the floor and sobbed once again till he had absolutely no energy left. When he reached that point he crawled under his covers and closed his eyes. He could push through for her. His mom needs him and that's enough of a reason to stay.

Years later, he looks back on that night and every other time he contemplated giving up. He's grateful he didn't. He's content. The BAU has been the best thing that's ever happened to him. Life isn't perfect but he has amazing friends, no, scratch that, a family, who loves him more than anything. A family who showed him how to be confident and love himself. They helped him grow into the best person he could be. He's not alone anymore. These were the most important people in his life and he'll forever be thankful for them.

**Author's Note:**

> If you actually made it this far, props to you because this was a lot, I even got tired of it while writing it. But please leave a comment because it really means a lot, also if you have any constructive criticism let me know, thanks. :)


End file.
